Friday, March 14, 2014

The scent of memories

Two babies are sleeping, one is resting.  Windows are open for the first time this year and I have lavender oil in the effusion lamp.  It brings to my mind the scent of my mom in the nursing home.  She was 52 and dying from pancreatic cancer.  Her best friend, Carol, had brought her the lamp when she was at my aunt's house on hospice, with the lavender oil, and for the past seven years I haven't been able to bring myself to put any other scent into it. I'd spent an hour, frantically searching for the exact brand, the exact scent that had been my mom's.   

So I sit back with my coffee, feel the breeze, and picture her while I paint her nails, which never grew for her before.  She sits in her hospital bed with low pig tails under her pink checkered blanket that my coworkers bought for her.  She doesn't know what is going on most of the time, but she loves having us all there.   She smiles more than she could ever force herself to before.  We alternate visiting her, my aunt, my dad and I.  I've brought Gary and Benny a few times, but it's getting harder for them to see her like this.  She is not in the kind of pain that she had been the last ten years or so of her life.  Yes, we are thankful for that.  Thankful that she doesn't have the fear of the nursing home like she did when the topic had been brought up.  I almost forgot about pretending to light her cigarettes because she would fall asleep in the middle of smoking.  Almost forgot about finding her in the dining room asleep at the table during a meal.  Sometimes I don't want to remember.  But I have to.  Usually, my husband will light the lamp for me, and I will just smile, "that's my mom's."  

Today is different.  

It's not making me sad, just remember.  Honestly, I think what I'm remembering is the relief I felt when it was over.  I was so thankful for the nine additional months she got than 2-3 weeks she was given when the cancer was found.  Thankful that my work would let me come in late so that I could visit her at my aunt's house every morning.  These aren't my only memories of the end, but the rest are too gross, or too personal or too heartbreaking to share.  But the pain is over, the fear is over.  My babies anticipating her death, just waiting, is over.  Watching her body deteriorate is over.  

I would give anything to have her meet her three newest grandsons, to see how Gary and Benny have grown, meet my husband, to taste my cooking!  But that's not for today.  Today is the relief that her hurt is gone.

1 comment:

  1. YOU WILL DIE IN YOUR SINS

    Many, who profess to be Christians, claim the Jesus is just one of many ways to heaven. If men would simply believe that the Bible is the only inerrant source for truth they could not reach that conclusion.

    John 8:24 "Therefore I said to you that you will die in your sins;for if you do not believe that I am He, you will die in your sins."(NKJV)

    If you do not believe that Jesus is the Christ you will die in your sins. No man-made creed book can change that fact. To reject Jesus as the Messiah is the clear path to dying without forgiveness from sins.

    John 4:25-26 The woman said to Him, "I know that Messiah is coming" (who is called Christ). When He comes, He will tell us all things." 26 Jesus said to her, "I who speak to you am He."(NKJV)

    It does not matter how many Bible commentators or self-proclaimed Bible scholars believe Jesus is one of many ways to heaven, Jesus is the only Messiah.

    John 14:6 Jesus said to him, "I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through Me. (NKJV)

    One way Jesus.

    Acts 4:10-12.....name of Jesus Christ....12 "Nor is salvation in any other, for there is no other name under heaven given among men by which we must be saved."(NKJV)

    Pope Francis says atheists who do good works can go to heaven. Billy Graham proclaims that you do not even have to know the name of Jesus to be part of the body of Christ. Joel Osteen say he does not know if unbelievers will be lost or saved because he cannot judge. These professing Christians are not alone in their views. How sad is that?

    PEW FORUM OF RELIGION AND PUBLIC LIFE: 57% of the evangelical church believes there are many religions that lead to eternal life.

    IF YOU TRUST THE BIBLE AND THE BIBLE ALONE FOR THE TRUTH, YOU WILL BELIEVE THE WORDS OF JESUS. "IF YOU DO NOT BELIEVE THAT I AM HE YOU WILL DIE IN YOUR SINS."

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